tpdsaa:

Submitted by http://twitter.com/marcusjhbrown

merlin:

43 Simple Ways To Simplify Your Life

1. Remove your doors
2. Eat half of each pet
3. Sit on a big, thick book
4. Something something keyring holder
5. Paint clocks cheery pink
6. Wear discarded food
7. Makebelieve girlfriend chair
8. Sleep in liquor cabinet
9. Embrace hug love hug meow meow
10. Small room to plan crimes
11. Hack your house key organizer
12. Mail a surprise toaster
13. Just stare more
14. Fourteen
15. Poke holes in paper things
16. Macrame shoelace tree
17. Scrapbook poop and pee
18. Euthanize even faster
19. Amputate favorite limb
20. Pencil shaving gallery
21. Immigrant coat rack
22. Shoebox of dangerous porn
23. Zen unicorn rainbow zen journal
24. Icepick to one good eye
25. Simplify fourteen harder
26. Aluminum foil swan cozy dryer
27. Smell your finger. All of it.
28. Resimplify your simplicity
29. Habitualize your zen
30. Remind your drapes, “I love you, Mrs. Textile”
31. Freeze your clutter
32. Couch fort dinner party
33. Nicene creed robot
34. Only sodomize things that forgive
35. Coaxial sweater vest
36. Transitive verb predicate clause
37. More crying but quieter
38. Inhaler nativity
39. Contact paper taxonomy binder
40. America’s Roast Beef: Yes, Sir
41. Breathe like no one’s dancing
42. Unbridled solo diaper play
43. Illuminated panty shrine

[via]

Q*AP

fireland:

Future Me: [smashes through the living room window]

Today Me: Holy gosh!

FM: It’s me! Future You!

TM: Future Me?

FM: The fuck did I just say.

TM: OK, um, language?

FM: I use terrible language in the future. But if you’d seen what I’ve seen, you’d let the Q-bombs fly, too.

TM: I … what is the Q-bomb again?

FM: Quap. Maybe the worst thing you could ever say. It’s really bad. It makes you feel just awful to hear it or say it. But I mean whatever, the future is filled with stuff that just makes you yell the worst possible swear there is. That’s pretty much all we do anymore.

TM: Well maybe you could—

FM: Hey man. [gently caresses my shoulder] Sorry. Shouldn’t’ve said the Q word in front of you.

TM: It’s all right. I think I’m going to start using it. Sometimes I’ll be driving and I need to yell a bad swear but none of the ones I know really do it for me anymore.

FM: Dude. Listen. The Q word isn’t invented for another ten years. You start rolling down your window and calling some guy a quapo — sorry, that is so offensive — but you call a guy that and pretty soon the word’s all watered down and us in the future won’t have it. And we need it.

TM: Oh boo hoo. Why don’t you take your quapo haircut and get out of here? Right after you give me future money to fix my window.

FM: You’re being really hurtful right now.

TM: You can take it.

FM: We both know I can’t. We both know how fragile I am.

TM: I was hoping in the future I’d be a little tougher. Manlier.

FM: There are pills you can take but they aren’t cheap and we aren’t exactly making bank at our job at Future Fried Chicken.

TM: Oh my god.